Dear Colon,

By the time you read this, I’ll be gone. This might come as a bit of a surprise to you – especially because we’ve been inseparable for the last 30 years. I cherish the times we had together but I don’t think we’re right for each other anymore.
We’re not compatible.  You’re bland and I crave more flavors in my life.  My friends jokingly call you, Mr. Mild.  I mean you like white rice, yogurt and Evian bottled water; I shouldn’t require Gas-x and Imodium as part of a healthy balanced diet.

Your favorite spice is plain, and your favorite meal is a sandwich.  Do you even know what my favorite spice or meal is? I once asked if wanted to order Indian take-out and you said "Naan and Basmati Rice".  My point is that I want to eat what I want to eat, when I want to eat it.  We’re holding each other back from enjoying life.

But you know what? We had some good times, or so I think. I often look back fondly at the afternoon we spent in the Glasgow train station bathroom or the flatulent filed Sundays spent in church or most dear to my heart, the bout of food poisoning from the Greek Chicken Salad at the Denver Airport.

Please, don't stress like last time. That means no IBS. And look - I won't even make an issue out of the social awkwardness you caused. So take care of yourself – and I hope some day we can be friends.

Sincerely,

Jim

Dear CostCo Patrons...

Just because you drive a SUV, work from 9-5, and have children does not excuse you from being an a-hole.  Let me explain...

I know that being at a store in which you can get 12 lbs of ground beef for $4.99 may lead you to think that shopping, let alone life, is all about you.  NEWS FLASH....we're just not that in to you.

There are a few basic rules that we all learned in kindergarten that should be followed:

1. When a line is formed, you have to wait your turn.  This is regardless of how f-ing important you think you are at the moment.
2. Parking lots have individual spaces for a reason, park your car and walk into the store like EVERYONE else!
3. Sharing is caring.  That is not only things but also politeness, simlies and remembering to wear deordorent to public places.
4. Phones should be used only in an emergency.  We don't care if you don't know which gallon of mayo to get; pick one and when it is the wrong one, go back to the store like every other husband has done for generations.
5. Don't breast feed in line; if you need to whip out a tit...do it on your own time, let me get my tub of hummus and go first.  Not everyone wants to see your crusty, bloody nips today.....

I think that covers it, see you soon at the store contributing to America's obesity.

Love,

The Rest of Us.