Sing a song. Say a prayer. Swear like hell.

Dealership Blues

2010-01-08T08:51:00.000-08:00

This morning I was at an auto dealership for regularly scheduled maintenance. I gave them my info and what was needed: oil change, check the tires, look for leaks, etc, etc. This is all my expert opinion, mind you. Given this would probably only take 10 minutes, I opted for the customer lounge.

The lounge felt like an emergency waiting room except more cozy; and better brewed coffee. All the customers were pressed waiting to hear the damage. Most were reading or watching TV quietly; only lady was reading a book and laughing out loud every other page. I get the impression she is single.

As a good citizen of the lounge nation; I quickly turned my phone to silent as not to disturb my neigbors. Not that anyone was going to call me or that I would actually talk to someone during my time in wait. There were some bad citizens in the room, namely a french speaking student and a mom who clearly didn't understand the sign "No Cell Phones in Waiting Room".

After waiting 1 hour, I checked my phone to realize that I had a missed call and a voice message. Excited that it was an employer calling to hire me sight-unseen, alas it was not. However, it was the dealership calling to discuss my car and the recommended work. Huh? What? Really? Am I on an episode of Quantum Leap? The same dealership in which it's lounge I was sitting in. In fact, the same dealership in which I stated that I would wait to hear what was going on. In fact, the same dealership in which I was told had exceptional customer service.

Check the lounge!

Dear Colon,

2010-01-07T10:47:00.000-08:00

By the time you read this, I’ll be gone. This might come as a bit of a surprise to you – especially because we’ve been inseparable for the last 30 years. I cherish the times we had together but I don’t think we’re right for each other anymore.
We’re not compatible. You’re bland and I crave more flavors in my life. My friends jokingly call you, Mr. Mild. I mean you like white rice, yogurt and Evian bottled water; I shouldn’t require Gas-x and Imodium as part of a healthy balanced diet.

Your favorite spice is plain, and your favorite meal is a sandwich. Do you even know what my favorite spice or meal is? I once asked if wanted to order Indian take-out and you said "Naan and Basmati Rice". My point is that I want to eat what I want to eat, when I want to eat it. We’re holding each other back from enjoying life.

But you know what? We had some good times, or so I think. I often look back fondly at the afternoon we spent in the Glasgow train station bathroom or the flatulent filed Sundays spent in church or most dear to my heart, the bout of food poisoning from the Greek Chicken Salad at the Denver Airport.

Please, don't stress like last time. That means no IBS. And look - I won't even make an issue out of the social awkwardness you caused. So take care of yourself – and I hope some day we can be friends.

Sincerely,

Jim

Bedtime Thoughts

2010-01-05T07:24:00.000-08:00

In these poor economic times, it is easy to allow your mind to wander to depths not previously envisioned. It is hard to see where the next 100K jobs will be created, or that what happens when the federal government has a budget gap that our children's children children children can not correct. Or does all these in-fighting make us more of a target for a terriorist attack. Or what will happen if our nation's healthcare isn't made more affordable. Or our nation's test scores in math and science continue to drop lower each year.

But, in all the worry, in all the tension, none of these are the topics that keep me up at night. I lie in bed at night, with one pressing thought...

"If the shit hits the fan, how will I get enough soluable fiber in my diet?"

Sweet Dreams....

Dear CostCo Patrons...

2010-01-04T08:09:00.000-08:00

Just because you drive a SUV, work from 9-5, and have children does not excuse you from being an a-hole. Let me explain...

I know that being at a store in which you can get 12 lbs of ground beef for $4.99 may lead you to think that shopping, let alone life, is all about you. NEWS FLASH....we're just not that in to you.

There are a few basic rules that we all learned in kindergarten that should be followed:

1. When a line is formed, you have to wait your turn. This is regardless of how f-ing important you think you are at the moment.
2. Parking lots have individual spaces for a reason, park your car and walk into the store like EVERYONE else!
3. Sharing is caring. That is not only things but also politeness, simlies and remembering to wear deordorent to public places.
4. Phones should be used only in an emergency. We don't care if you don't know which gallon of mayo to get; pick one and when it is the wrong one, go back to the store like every other husband has done for generations.
5. Don't breast feed in line; if you need to whip out a tit...do it on your own time, let me get my tub of hummus and go first. Not everyone wants to see your crusty, bloody nips today.....

I think that covers it, see you soon at the store contributing to America's obesity.

Love,

The Rest of Us.

Life Goals...

2009-12-03T08:02:00.000-08:00

Life constantly evolves right before our own eyes; hopes and dreams of childhood are often corrupted in adulthood. This corruption is not symptom of a bigger problem but rather a function of maturity; and a sense to accomplish that which is attainable. Here are a few dreams of mine there were crushed by the reality of adulthood...and made to fit my life.

A. Playing football in the National Football League
B. Watching football on my 42' inch flat screen in HD; so it is like I'm really there.

A. Marrying a tall blonde who played professional volleyball in Norway.
B. Marrying a fiery red-head who allows me to travel to Norway on vacation.

A. Becoming a member of the United States Armed Forces.
B. Dressing up as a GI for holloween.

A. Living in a quaint European town for a few years.
B. Living in Washington, DC and trying to figure out 95, 495, 295, 395, 195 traffic flows.

A. Accepting a job that was offered from a response to an listing in The Economist.
B. Reading all the articles each week in my subscription to The Economist.

A. Owning a Ford F-150.
B. Owning a great gas mileage hybrid car that is eco-friendly and cutesy.

A. Rooting for the Cubs in the World Series.
B. Rooting for a National League team in the World Series.

A. Becoming CEO of a major financial institution.
B. Being able to pay all my bills on time.

A. Attending an Ivy League school.
B. Visit the gift shop of an Ivy League school to purchase a long sleeve T-shirt from that institution.

A. Root for anyone against Notre Dame.
B. Root for anyone against Notre Dame...well, somethings don't change.

A. Travelling to the moon as an Astronaut.
B. Setting my MAC screen saver to travelling through space, zooming through the stars.

A. Working in corporate America for 30 years and retiring.
B. Working for myself at what I enjoy doing; which includes, drinking, socializing, and dancing.

A. Being a father of 10 childern.
B. Watching celeberties adopt kids from Africa like they are a bag of Skittles.

A. Living forever.
B. Living just long enough.

Just some thoughts; did I mention how much I root against Notre Dame?

Eric Holder & The Senate Judiciary Committee

2009-11-19T09:30:00.000-08:00

The band is BACK! Eric Holder & The Senate Judiciary Committee put on an amazing performance yesterday at The Capitol Room. Known traditionally as a texas two-step band, this performance added another element to the group...Jazz! The group played their chart topping hits: Elitest Decordum, Out of Touch with Americans, The Constitution Is Just An Old Piece Of Paper and That Wasn't The Question You Asked. Though, after a short break in the set, the band played songs off its newly released jazz album Disdainees, which received a rousing response from the audicence and press.

Eric Holder's solo in Mirandize on the Battlefield combines not only rhetoic but a message of uncertainty. It is a moving piece on hope and resiliency. The song was followed, by an upbeat song entitled It isn't me, it is the Office of Management & Budget People which included an interesting self promotion from drummer, Chuck Schumer. There are many other highlights and low points, actually more low points than can be mentioned. It is a must see show!

In a real pickle

2009-10-29T11:04:00.000-07:00

I'm all for saving a buck or two when grocery shopping. But there is one item that cannot be compromised on....and that is pickles. Sorry to let the cat out of the bag on this one, but not all pickles are created equally. There, I said it and it is out and therefore, I feel better. How hard it is to mess up the pickling process?

After buying a less than name brand pickle, I tried making a pickle sandwich and to my disgust it was like rubbery green planks filled with sea salt lacking any crispness. lacking taste. lacking personality. I mean how were they allowed to sell that piece of pickle? It is moments like this, that make me think the terrorists won.

So, my fellow Americans...a pickle by another name is not a pickle. Buy Brand Name American, and Americans have taste.

This message was brought to you by the Council of American Pickle farmers and President Obama and the letter Q.

Is this your first time riding the Metro?

2009-10-28T09:52:00.000-07:00

The WMATA (Washington Metropolitian Area Transit Authority) has released a series of PSAs (Public Serivce Announcement) which I have begun to call the "Ding, Ding...you're an idiot" series. While I completely understand the nature of these announcements is not to be insulting, but rather helpful to riders that may be tourists; the tone is nothing short of 'you're an idiot how could you possible ride public transportation.' Here are a few thoughts I have in response to the PSAs; I'll let you guess the message....

1. So, if we don't regularly use the Metro we should by a round trip ticket before going to a sporting event...well, isn't that obvious?
2. Yeah, we can see it is raining out and that would make a metal escalator slippery. No shit, genius. By the way, who is the smart guy who thought that clay tile floor would be great for outdoor platforms in the rain?
3. We get it...when the message says the doors closing; they are actually closing. We thought it was a freakin' joke.
4. No shit Sherlock, taking public transportation will put us in contact with other people. Oh, yeah we won't cough on people...something our mothers instilled in us since birth.
5. We will say something when we frickin' see it...like, poor service, length delays, unannounced routine track maintenance, Metro after 10:00 during the week sucks and in general, everything other than terrorists.

Thanks Metro for treating us like childern of a lessor rail system...

Virginia Gubernatorial Elections

2009-10-14T11:46:00.000-07:00

As a new resident to the great Commonwealth of Virginia, I am finding the 2009 Governor elections refreshing. On the one hand, you have Bob McDonnell who appears to be pretty darn crazy. And on the other hand, you have Creigh Deeds who appears to be excessively crazy. I may have my facts switched and in fact one is slightly less crazy than the other. My basis of knowing that both candidates are loco, as our Spanish friends would say, is solely rooted in policy beliefs. I'm really not sure, if elected, which political agenda would scare me the most and how quickly it would take for me to be crazy...like them.

Though, there is a silver lining in every cloud. They ain't crooks!!

While, I would like to see a more sound agenda that is in line with my own beliefs and is then representative of my lifestyle; I can however, rest peacefully knowing our future governor will not have kick-backs, ear marks and hush funds a plenty like Blago from the great State of Illinois. To say the least, I'm sure Creigh or Bob will actually live in the Governor's mansion...which will save taxpayer dollars. Not to mention 1000 other things that Blago did to gain office or during his time in office.

It will most likely be a game time decision on who I vote for, but either way Crook trumps crazy. So, I say either way is a win-win for this former Illinoisan. Let's up these crazies don't turn into crooks. Cause then I may just go loco....

Chiropractic....I barely knew them!

2009-09-30T05:27:00.000-07:00

Going for your annual medical exam can be a daunting, everyone seems to run away from the dentist and no one I've ever met said a positive or negative thing about their optometrist. Leading me to one unchallengeable conclusion...everyone loves their Chiropractor.

On my recent visit, Ted (over-the-top cheerful receptionist) had a cup a fresh brewed Dunkin' Donuts coffee ready for me. When I sat down in the waiting room, Ted (still very cheerful) handed me a crisp copy of the Washington Post, he offered me the NY Times but it hsad already been read yielding it less crisp but still considerable fresh. A final act of Ted (still cheerful) was to ask me about my week while led to a wonderful conversation about Chili and how sometimes it is better to use fresh tomatoes versus canned. Ted excused himself back to the reception area and began to type feverishly on the computer logging insurance claims or something equally important.

When I was done reading the sports section, which included an overview of how bad the Washington Nationals suck AND that the Washington Redskins are even more suckier, Dr. Asaph emerged from the examination room and asked if I was ready. Indeed, I was and took one last sip of coffee before making the 7 step trek to the exam room. Dr. Asaph, a constant professional, wasted no time asking me in a direct yet understanding way, "so, ummm...how are you feeling?" Stunned by his introspective to me sole, I needed 25 seconds to collect my thoughts during which I deflected his question by muttering, "Good, good, I mean that I haven't felt better EXCEPT..."

After coming to my senses, I informed the good Doctor that my aliments have been feeling better except for this pesky hip that continues to suffer the brunt of strain and stress though the week. Dr. Asaph agreed but thought that process was being made and that nothing would stop my complete return to health. A prognosis in which I revelled!!

Once a few pulls, twists, and elbows had been applied to my spine the exam was over. My adjustment had been complete. It was time to enter back into soceity as a man with a healthy backbone; a man walking the straight and narrow; a man who was looser than a goose. Here I am world, here I come.

On the walk home, I sneezed and threw my hip out of alignment.....son of a b*($#&!

Fall is confusing...

2009-09-29T08:53:00.000-07:00

After spending most of my life in Chicago, I recently relocated to the Mid-Atlantic which for a Chicagoan is unquestionably the south. One block away from my home is a confederate solider memorial from the War Between The States. Therefore, I need not explain more on that topic.

While, I do feel on a daily basis more settled into my new city; the seasons remain to be very perplexing. Leaves are falling all around, daylight is shorter and there are more overcast days than a few weeks ago. Yet, the temperature is at times still in the 80s/90s and humidity is still high.

It is really a mind teaser for a Midwesterner. Leaves falling + shorter days = jeans and a long sleeved tee. Oh, not so fast my emancipation supporting resident! It is still HOT, like middle of summer Chicago HOT! For jeez, it is football season and I should be cooking up some Chili not sipping white wine and munching on a melon & prosciutto salad. Give me my season back!

The other fall day, I walked to the Metro just a few short blocks away. Again, overcast and leaves a falling I opted for the jeans and long sleeve polo. Arriving at the station, dripping of sweat and cotton mouth I came to one conclusion...I was dying, right there, on the spot, no questions asked. Then, I caught the temperature posted on the bank sign....87 degrees....in late September!!

The lesson learned here is that I'm going to LOVE the mild winters!